I am who I am and who I am needs explaining


I want to share with you a short anecdote that I’m hoping may amuse you. Here goes.

I like many other lads my age enjoy the odd beverage down at the local boozer. At the time this story happened I was about 18 years of age. I was sat around a table in a very sociable fashion in my old local pub The White Rose. The name of the public house is not important to the story but come to think of it it’s a lovely name for a pub. Since I left it’s become a place where cocaine is readily available and now some locals (such as my mother) refer to it as The White Nose. Upsettingly clever. My Mother does still go there though which is a worry.

Anyway I was sat around awkwardly talking to some old school friends, it was awkward in the sense that it was at an age where you didn’t really need to spend time with these people anymore and I didn’t really have anything in common with them, other than we all liked that lager beer.

As I sat listening to one of the girls talking about how much they would have to be paid to sleep with someone I couldn’t help but notice the lack of attraction I had for this girl. Then a thought stumbled into my head, she would have to pay me to sleep with her. Was anyone else thinking this? The information felt wasted in my fruitful mind and I thought the only way to express this was to lean to the guy next to me and share it.
“She would have to pay me to sleep with her” I delivered with a smug smile on my face. I then waited for this old school chum to quickly agree with my comment and we could both dwell in the smugness together as we swigged our cheap warming lager beer. But the response was unexpected and challenging.

“That’s my girlfriend” he replied with an angry and upset tone.
My mind quickly scanned through numerous different responses, we got on well at school and he knew I was a bit of a joker so this could finally work in my favour. Without too much of a hesitation I responded.

“Yea, I know…I’m just joking…it was a joke”


Whether or not he bought it I don’t know, what I do know is that the moment was awkward. And silent.
I brought my pint to my lips and pretended to listen in to the groups conversation once more.
I have not really seen them since. All I do know is that they both got fat and had a baby. How much did she pay him, I thought on hearing the news.





One Response to “I am who I am and who I am needs explaining”
  1. I had a similar experience a few years back when working at a post production house in Soho. I won’t say which one, but it rhymed with ‘Netro’. I’ll just say it; it was ‘Metro’. Anyway, our I.T. guy was having his sister’s wedding video done by us, and in the video, he pointed out his 4 year old daughter to me. “Aw cute” I said, “Who’s that bloke she’s with?”, “What bloke??” he asked, “That one!” I said, pointing to the man sitting to her left. “That’s my wife!” he snarled. I pretended it was because I didn’t have my glasses, but he knew I didn’t wear glasses. She really did look like a fella though…

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